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Time:06:33 pm
Current Mood:blahblah
I posted here awhile ago..

I joined Revivre - Quebec Anxiety, Depressive and Bipolar Disorder Support Association.. in hopes that maybe they could point me in the right direction.

So I finally go there today, and basically get told that they can't do anything for me.. except give me their hotline number. I wasn't expecting like OH HERES A DOCTOR YOU CAN SEE ASAP sort of thing. I guess I wanted to be pointed in a direction.. since I don't know what to do really. I literally started to cry in front of them, and just left after.

Its so hard to reach out sometimes.. and it being very hard for me to go and ask for help, it was pretty bad that I sort of got rejected in a way.

So, I hope you guys can help me out.

I want to find out whats wrong with me... because every year it's affecting my life more and more. Basically.. I have suicidial thoughts almost every week. It comes and goes.. but it does get a lot worse in Fall. I don't self-harm.. or abuse alcohol/drugs. My mind can't think straight when I feel suicidial. I overthink and worry too much.. and overreact easily. I clearly know when I'm not thinking straight.. but can't do much to make it go away. Ive been like this since I was a preteen..

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Subject:Shyness: How normal behaviour became a sickness.
Time:03:38 am
Thought I'd share an article I've just read on mental health and it's practitioners


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Subject:There's a rollercoaster riding a tornado in my brain.
Time:11:45 pm

I've alway felt like an outsider every since I was young, and as time passes by the feeling is increasing exponentially.

Bit of a background, adopted child, passed around from foster home to relatives to other foster homes till the age of 4, picked on and fighting on a semi constant basis from kindergarten till I graduated college. I'm Male, 30, going on 31 in a few months actually, and in 2005 I had a breakdown. My family and what little friends I do have think I tried to kill myself, for their sake or maybe because I'm scared I don't know. I never told them what really happened. I have entertained thoughts of suicide, I still do, but I know myself well enough that I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to follow through.

I'm a thinker, an analyst, everything I do, everything I say, even this post, everything is calculated, compartmentalized and predicted. Most of the time it's not even a conscious effort I just can't stop it.

I've had only one relationship, if you can call it that, I was in love, she had a personal wallet. She dumped me after I started getting a more distant because I was realizing something wasn't right. Since then I've been afraid of approaching women, not that it matters though I always feel like whenever I fall into their line of sight the only thing that they feel is disgust, I know I'm probably just projecting my thoughts but I can't help but feel it's true.

I've alienated most of the friends I've had, and those which I didn't have their own lives to worry about and I don't want to be a dark cloud on the horizon.

So pretty much , other than work the only human interaction I've had is through adult services, mainly massages but on rare occasions escorts, usually on my birthday since it's not celebrated.

It's clear I've been depressed for years, it's gotten progressively worse over time but even when I was young it was there. I mean a normal guy doesn't cry himself to sleep on a weekly basis.

After the breakdown I was on medication, I think wellbutrin but I don't remember, and was taken off work for a year,I only took the medication for 3 months, I didn't like the side effects and it felt like nothing was changing so I tried to help myself, went back to school for a new profession and everything seemed fine for a while, then I broke my arm and couldn't do that profession anymore, my arm still hurts if I try to do it for too long. So I went back to my old profession; Tech Support.

The title of the thread does have a meaning, my mood is like a roller coaster but I wouldn't say I'm manic depressive, I pretty much peak around ok/apathetic when I drop is where the tornado comes in. During those times my mood ranges from cold and completely distant; to self hate, crying and suicidal thoughts, to pure rage and loathing, wishing everyone would die. I usually try to avoid everyone and everything during the times when I'm feeling low.

These lows have been becoming more and more frequent, The last one resulted in me removing myself from all social networking sites I was on (this is a new account) and buying locks for my room and office so I would not be bothered by my roommate.

For my sake and for hers.

See the breakdown didn't have anything to do with suicide, it had to do with a whole other beast. All the compartmentalization of my emotions and keeping everything in has made a parallel train of though in my mind, and it scares the fucking hell out of me because it comes from a place of deep hate.

I could be looking at a happy couple talking, cuddling and window shopping in the street and my normal self would think "man I wish I could have that kind of relationship." At the same time in this parallel train of though I see myself reaching out and slamming them through the glass.

or Helping a client with a tech issue and even when they are nice but stupid, I can see myself strangling them with their mouse cord. (ok so that one has probably been in every tech support guy's thoughts but still.)

In 2005 for a brief moment two trains of thoughts collided, a coworker was refusing to do his job and since it was about the time where everyone but me left work, I would be the one catching the angry repeat call when the client realized no one was coming to help.

I saw myself swing and punch as I yelled just do your fucking job, only it wasn't just the dark train of though, my body moved in tune, I caught myself in time and punched the guys 19" monitor, the old crt's that weigh a ton. The monitor flew back a few feet and I fractured my hand.

Days later I snapped I was looking in the mirror and could see myself in it, hurting people with a grin that would make movie villains look like angels. I broke all the mirrors in my home and locked myself in for days. The thought of ending it had been strong at the time, I didn't want the monster coming out and going on a rampage.

My family and employer tried to reach me but could not, and after my employer called my family they redoubled their efforts and also called a friend, this friend came over was eventually able to talk me into opening the door and going to see a doc.

After the year off, the school and working in a job I actually liked for a while, the dark train of thought became less and less frequent but it's been returning in the past 2 years since I started tech support again.

I feel like I have to wear masks everywhere I go, because this train of thought is such that it would scare people, I've been wearing them so long and they seem to get heavier and harder to wear with each passing day, sometimes they slip at work and I swear violently at customers or say something dark and aggressive(on mute) though I've been caught once by evaluators and reprimanded.

I've been wearing them so long I feel like there is no real person left, just dozens of cracked empty masks hiding a tornado of apathy, anger, self loathing and pure hatred towards humanity.

Some people have suggested I go see a therapist, but I find it difficult to talk to people,  I spend so much time analyzing everything I want to say and everything people are saying that conversations usually consist of lots of silence on my part and other people talking. I doubt that would be an efficient use of my time and money, or a therapists time.

I'm at a loss, I can't connect, I can't relate, so I Isolate myself more and more and try to find ways to numb myself to everything.

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Subject:Anyone else on Effexor (ugh, I know)?
Time:10:13 pm
Okay, so, I've been on Effexor XR (my 2nd time) for about a year and a half now. This is the longest I've ever been on any kind of SNRI. I'm on the lowest dosage (37.5mg) and I almost NEVER miss a pill. For some reason, this past week I've been getting the brain shivers for no reason I can fathom. Today it seems to have reached some kind of plateau. I feel totally and beyond spaced out, dizzy and sweaty, with random bursts of rage and extreme irritability (which luckily I've been able to keep to myself). This is awfully similar to how I felt when I went off Effexor the first time I took it, which was a complete and utter hell I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

So what's causing this? Does anyone know? Has anyone who's been on Effexor suddenly felt withdrawl symptoms when you're actually still taking the pill regularly?
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Subject:Brain stimulation may ease stubborn depression
Time:12:21 pm

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Targeted electrical stimulation of a particular region of the brain can lessen symptoms of major depression that hasn't improved with other treatments, the results of small pilot study suggest.


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Subject:Suicidal Men
Time:12:38 pm
Many suicidal men had problems in childhood

Teenage and young adult men who make serious suicide attempts often had emotional problems at age 8, while most suicidal women succumb to depressions that develop after puberty, Finnish researchers said on Monday.


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Subject:Is there depression in your family history?
Time:07:49 am
Brain differences mark those with depression risk

People who have a high family risk of developing depression had less brain matter on the right side of their brains on par with losses seen in Alzheimer's disease, U.S. researchers said on Monday.


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Current Music:Muse - Supermassive Black Hole
Subject:'Homework' for those with OCD
Time:03:29 pm
Current Mood:hopefulhopeful
For anyone else who may suffer with OCD, I'm going to share something I learned from my therapist this year. It's some of the 'homework' she gave me as part of our cognitive therapy. Hopefully someone can make use of it, because I found it very useful myself. :)
(This probably can be used for thoughts that stem from anxiety and/or depression as well, though I never used it for such and I'm not sure how that would work out exactly.)

My therapist gave me several photocopies of a paper called "Thought Record". It is made up of several columns that you write in. I found it to be a very good way of looking at my thoughts, obsessions, and worries, keeping track of them, and figuring out how irrational they can be. :)

The columns are as follows:

1. Situation

Who were you with?
What were you doing?
When was it?
Where were you?

2. Moods

Describe each mood in one word.
Rate intensity of mood (0-100%).

3. Automatic Thoughts (Images)

Answer some or all of the following questions:

-What was going through my mind just before I started to feel this way?

-What does this say about me?

-What does this mean about me? My life? My future?

-What am I afraid might happen?

-What is the worst thing thay could happen if this is true?

-What does this mean about how the other person(s) feel(s)/think(s) about me?

-What does this mean about the other person(s) or people in general?

-What images or memories do I have in this situation?

4. Evidence That Supports the Hot Thought

Circle hot thought in previous column for which you are looking for evidence.

Write factual evidence to support this conclusion.

(Try to avoid mind-reading and interpretation of facts.)

5. Evidence That Does Not Support the Hot Thought

Ask yourself the questions in the Hint Box (p. 70) to help discover evidence which does not support your hot thought.

6. Alternative/Balanced Thoughts

Ask yourself the questions in the Hint Box (p. 95) to generate alternative or balanced thoughts.

Write an alternative or balanced thought.

Rate how much you believe in each alternative or balanced thought (0-100%).

7. Rate Moods Now

Copy the feelings from Column 2.

Rerate the intensity of each feeling from 0 to 100% as well as any new records.

The 'Hot Thought' that the columns refer to are the main thought/worry in question.

I know it's not the same without a therapist there to elaborate on any of this and track you/meet with you each week to discuss what you've written, but I figured posting this here would be better than nothing! Also, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me. And we talk about this list and what you might want to write/have written if you feel like it. I may not have the answers but it can't hurt just to talk, right?

As for the page numbers the columns refer to, I'm afraid I have no idea what book that may be. My therapist never told me about it either! But I am curious...the bottom of the page says "From Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger and Christine A. Padesky copyright 1995 The Guilford Press", so that might be something worth checking out!
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Subject:Young adults
Time:07:31 am

Mental health disorders common in young adults: survey

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Almost half of college-age Americans have suffered from some type of mental health problem in the past year, but few seek treatment, a survey finds.


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Subject:International Post OT III Day!
Time:11:04 am
The following is the sacred document in Scientology known as OTIII. Scientologists deny it exists as part of their Operating Thetan literature. It was written by L. Ron Hubbard in 1967. Hubbard wrote that if you read this document before you have achieved a level of scholarship, you will get pneumonia and die. The cost to get to that level: $360,000.

“The head of the Galactic Confederation (76 planets around larger stars visible from here) (founded 95,000,000 yrs ago, very space opera) solved overpopulation (250 billion or so per planet -- 178 billion on average) by mass implanting. He caused people to be brought to Teegeeack (Earth) and put an H Bomb on the principal volcanoes (Incident 2) and then the Pacific area ones were taken in boxes to Hawaii and the Atlantic Area ones to Las Palmas and there "packaged." His name was Xenu. He used renegades. Various misleading data by means of circuits etc. was placed in the implants. When through with his crime (R/)Loyal Officers (to the people) captured him after 6 years of battle and put him in an electronic mountain trap where he still is. "They" are gone. The place (Confed.)has since been a desert.” - Hubbard

See it in his original handwriting at xenu.net. Learn more about the fight against the criminal cult of Scientology on whyweprotest.net. Make a different by copy-pasting this and posting it somewhere else as part of International Post OTIII Day and in honor of Lisa McPherson, who died on Dec 5 1995 after being starved to death by Scientologists.

Also, Scientology claims that Psychiatrists did the Holocaust.           



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[icon] Montreal Mental Health
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